Busy Busy Bee (buzz buzz)

 

Hi my beautiful little ice pops! First off, Happy Pride month! I know it’s like…almost over, but I never fully said it besides in my Lyra and Bon Bon comic! But I just wanted to say how much I love this community and how proud I am to be an ally! You are all such amazing people and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise or who you can/cannot be with or love!

But anyway, I’m leaving for a cruise very soon and I just realized how much I need to get done before I go! If you don’t know, I’m taking a summer class (no, I didn’t fail, it’s a class required for my minor but I couldn’t fit it in my schedule for next semester) and my second unit is due this Friday and I still have 2 assignments to get done. Which normally would be fine except I have a job in which I work Monday-Thursday and don’t get home til around 7-8 pm. Then of course I need to eat dinner and shower and by the time that’s done it’s nearly bedtime. And I just found out that Unit 3 is due the day after we get back from the cruise so I basically need to get that entire unit done before I go on the cruise. Not to mention we have a project due on the same day unit 3 is due! So I need to complete an entire unit and project all within a short amount of time PLUS find time to actually do it with work and all.

Oh but I’m not done! I have two voice over projects due this Sunday which I haven’t started yet. One of them is a song that I’ve barely listened to so I need to find time to learn and record that. PLUS I’m returning to my vlog channel and have two videos to edit (I uploaded an update video, go check it out!) and I would like to get at least one out before the cruise but I don’t know when I’m going to work on those because obviously sChOoL CoMeS fIrSt. And I would love love LOVE to do a cover of Shine Like Rainbows for the end of Pride Month, but now that I’m actually writing all this stuff down I’m not sure that’s going to happen. But we’ll see!

As you can see I’m a very busy little ice block, but just wanted to let you guys know in case I become inactive for a little bit! I’ll always be active on SOME platform!

Thank you guys so much for reading (and listening to me vent lol) <3

Stay tuned for all I have coming! xoxo

Summer of Books & Songs

 

Hi ice pops!

So recently I got a job that pays good money and it's honestly a bit stressful sometimes. But the good thing is, I have a LOT of downtime. The only issue with that is...it gives me a lot of time to think. And while it does give me time to think creatively (hell I'm writing this post at work) it also allows for my intrusive thoughts to come play. I'm constantly reminded of my toxic friend and things she said or did. I'll be dialing the phone to call someone and an argument will be playing in my head. WHILE SIMPLY DIALING THE PHONE. I even froze up while talking on the phone because I was so distracted by my thoughts.

However, all this down time has also given me a lot of time to do one thing. Reading. Now I'm not the biggest reader in the world. It used to take me months to finish a book. Except in the 7th grade when Twilight Sparkle was like my IDOL and I probably read like 30 books in one summer. But with all my college work, freelance work and social media work, I haven't had anytime. But now because of work I have more than enough time. And when I read, I feel calm and content. I'm not thinking about past arguments or confrontations or feeling angry. I'm distracted. Even when I was in isolation I finished one of my books because I had a lot of time, and reading distracted me from my intrusive thoughts. And yesterday, I was only 20 pages into my book and I left work with it being finished! Like I mentioned, I've been obsessed with the Girl Online series by Zoe Sugg and I was trying to pace myself because I didn't want it to be over. But I was enjoying it so much I just couldn't put it down. I've officially finished all 3 books and I'm really sad it's over, but maybe I'll review them for you!

I may review them on my new blog! That's right! I have another blog! I want that one to be more authentic and raw and pretty much anonymous so I won't be posting the domain publicly here. However, if you are interested, feel free to private message me on any of my social media accounts!

Something else I've been working on lately (I know I'm doing a lot lol) is I think I'm going to write an album about my toxic friendship. I have one song written so far and I would love to write more as a healthy way of releasing my anger and getting my feelings out. As of now, I'm calling the album Red Flags, but that could change in the near future. Or I may just only release the one song I have and leave it there, I haven't decided. But I would really love to get back into song writing and put my creativity into creating this album. I really feel I would benefit mentally and creatively from it. It's really been a while since I wrote lyrics and after writing my first song I forgot how much I love doing it. And I figured since I have a lot of feelings and intrusive thoughts, what better way to let them out than through songs!

That's about it for this post my pops! Thanks for reading! <3

Music is the Best Medicine

 

Hi ice pops! Man, being in isolation has been really boring. I used to love my alone time but it's almost been a week and I can honestly say I miss leaving the house and seeing people! But my time in isolation has given me a lot of time to think. If you haven't been keeping up, I recently got out of a toxic situation that has taken a giant toll on my mental health. I think about our arguments and things she's done everyday. I wanted to take my time in isolation to work on healing and forgetting everything she put me through. I've journaled, done yoga/meditation, watched inspiring Tiktoks, used essential oils and crystals, but I feel like I'm making no progress and I'm still as damaged as I was before. I know I need to give myself credit for trying but I feel like at this rate I'm just repressing these thoughts and trying to make them go away by pretending they never happened, or by telling myself I don't have to deal with it ever again. 

But the fact of the matter is, it happened. What I went through absolutely sucked and I never want to feel that way again. Because of her, I have major trust issues, I've lost a big part of myself and I feel as if there's something wrong with me. I know that's not entirely true though. There is something wrong with me, but not what she's told me is wrong with me. I'm not childish or dramatic for expressing my feelings, I'm not toxic for being upset at something I have every right to be upset about, I'm not making things up in my head as an excuse for her shitty behavior. The only thing that's "wrong" with me, is my mind is damaged. And that's not my fault. She broke my mind, and it sucks that I have to fix it, but I do. 

So, I'm going to do something I haven't done in a very long time. I'm going to write a song. Maybe more than one. I'm going to write and put all my feelings and emotions into them. Something I used to do back in middle school and high school all the time whenever I needed to express my feelings. I don't know why I ever stopped, guess I got too busy once college started? 

I'm not going to rush with these songs, I want them to happen naturally. So if you're reading this, please don't bombard my video's comments section with "where's the song?", "you said you were writing a song!", "post it now!". Because that will only make me more stressed and take away from the whole point of the song(s).

Basically, throughout each day, I find myself thinking about arguments or situations that happened in the past. So whenever I find that happening, rather than having an argument out loud, I'm going to write. And put my feelings to music. 

Day in Isolation

 

Hey icey pops! So if you haven't heard, I got the covid. Truly not a fun time. I first thought I was getting a cold, but since both my parents were positive that past week I decided to take a test. Sure enough, I was positive. So I thought I'd share with you kind of an isolated day in my life. 

So I wake up feeling disgusting and phlegmy (yummy), so I run to the bathroom and do some salt water gargles to help rinse out the mucus. Then from all the coughing my throat is beyond sore, so I put my mask on and go down to the kitchen to make some lemon water with honey. For breakfast, my mom brought me up oatmeal with freeze dried strawberries and some Lipton tea. After I ate I took some Airborne and DayQuil to help my immune and respiratory system. 

I opened my windows to air out all the germs and turned on my little cool mist humidifier to help moisten the air. I also added some Eucalyptus essential oil to my diffuser since that helps clear my sinuses. I did my morning journal prompt in my gratitude journal and then read a chapter of Alyssa Milano's Sorry Not Sorry. I finished the morning off with some yoga and meditation for sickness and covid. The meditation had some really great breathing exercises which felt amazing. 

Then, of course, I checked Twitter and was greeted by all your lovely get well messages and art (thank you all so much for your love). I then checked in on my summer class which starts today to find all the assignments posted. I did 2 assignments and scheduled out the rest of them in my Notion. If you don't use Notion I 100% recommend it, it helps me stay organized and makes me feel like I have my life together. 

For lunch I had a granny smith apple with peanut butter which was very yummy, while watching an episode of Ninjago which is honestly one of my favorite comfort shows. I was feeling nostalgic so I decided to watch the first episode of Rise of the Serpentine. Brought back memories. After staying trapped in my room all day, I decided I needed some fresh air, so I decided to go outside and read Girl Online: On Tour by Zoe Sugg. I've been absolutely obsessed with the Girl Online series lately and it actually helped inspire me to restart this blog. 

My mom brought me home Starbucks which was nice. My go-to order is a venti strawberry refresher with light ice, but they put lemonade in it this time which made me a little annoyed. But I figured my body and throat could use the citrus fruit. I headed back inside since it was REALLY hot and I began to feel a bit light headed, so I continued my reading in my room and did my afternoon journal prompt. It's weird, I have so much time now that I'm in isolation and I have a lot I would like to do during this time. However, I feel like I need to get it all done as soon as possible, I just need to chill and keep reminding myself I have SOOOO much time. 

I decided to work on some more class work and finally called it quits after this one section had three parts and I was like hell no. So I decided to edit my Persephone voice reel that I had recorded a few months back and actually ended up posting it. For dinner my mom brought me Taco Bell which I ordered a veggie power bowl which was very yummy. If you're a pescatarian like me, I 10/10 recommend. I also got a package from Shein which was exciting! I was going to open it but decided to wait til tomorrow as it would give me something to do. 

I took a shower just to wash all the gross, ick off of me and got into some clean, comfy pj's. I'm ending the night lighting my throat chakra candle which smells of eucalyptus and tea tree oil. And I'm getting ready to settle down to watch a spooky movie with a glass of wine (yes I'm 21, don't come for me).

That was pretty much my day in isolation. Nothing fancy or fun but I'm trying to stay as occupied as possible. Thank you all again for your love and support, and stay safe and healthy! <3

How to Slowly Recover from a Toxic Friendship

 

Hello my little ice pops! Thank you all so much for your love and support on my last blog post! It really means a lot! I was surprised to see how many of you are also in toxic situations or have also been in my shoes. It's nice to know I'm not alone, and neither are you. So I wanted to make a post on a few things I've been doing to help recover from the past toxic friendship and learn to love and trust myself again.

1. Write Down Your Feelings

I've been journaling a lot lately, hell I started this blog back up! I feel like journaling though is more relieving because no one sees it but me so I can get as angry or as sad as I want and I never have to worry about who sees it! If you'd like to share your thought in a blog, you can absolutely make it anonymous! They also sell gratitude and mind journals, I got mine at Five Below, where you write down what you're grateful for, your intentions for the day and breathing exercises! I think having that and a regular journal are really great because you can get all your frustration and sadness out in your journal, and then take a break and breathe in your gratitude journal!

2. Connect with Other People

For the longest time, I thought my toxic friend was the only friend I had which is why I was afraid to leave. Without her, I'd be alone. However, I started hanging out with people I wasn't really that close with and they soon became the greatest people I knew! So if you're not that close with someone, reach out to them! They may just be your new best friend! Or if you're in school like me! Join a club! And no, they don't have to be a sorority (I was dropped and honestly I truly think it was a blessing in disguise). There's plenty of other clubs in college where you don't have to pay to be around people who you might end up hating!

3. Try to Find Distractions

I don't know about anyone else, but I always find myself back in past situations and arguments, wishing I had done/said something different. Or just being so upset with myself that I let her get away with everything she put me through. To avoid stressing myself out about the past, I've been finding new ways to distract myself! Whether that be editing, taking pictures, writing, listening to music, etc! I've recently started reading and listening to podcasts and  I think they're both great ways to distract yourself from the world around you for a bit.

4. Realize What's Done is Done

Like I mentioned before, I find myself being sucked into the past and being upset for not doing something differently and letting her hurt me over and over again. But it's in the past now, and I can't change the past. The only thing I can change now is the future. And I'm choosing to put myself first, take care of myself and my mind, and surround myself with people I know won't ever treat me like that. So when I find myself having flashbacks, I just breathe and tell myself "it's over, you'll never have to go through that again. she's not apart of your life anymore and doesn't matter, it's ok". 

5. Find Your Safe/Happy Place

Now this doesn't have to be a literal place, it could just be something you do or a place you go to in your mind where you feel at peace and safe. I've been doing yoga and meditation with crystals lately and I think it's just so soothing and relaxing. I also really love nature so sometimes I'll just go out in the backyard and lay in the grass for several minutes. Somewhere where you just feel safe and calm.

And those are my tips for starting to recover from a toxic friendship. Again, these are my own personal tips that I've been doing, and this is just the beginning, I still have a lot of healing to do. But I hope I was able to help some of you who are in the same situation as me! Thanks so much for reading my little ice pops!

Love you! <3

What I Learned from Being in a Toxic Friendship

 

Hey all my little ice pops! It's been a minute since I've written anything on this blog but I felt this was a very important topic to talk about. If you haven't been following me on Twitter, I've been in a toxic situation with my college roommate and my "best friend" for the past two years. But these two years have showed me that she was never my friend. I never wanted to admit it to myself since she was pretty much my only friend at the time, but this past semester I've met amazing people who I know truly care about me and I'm going to be living with 3 new amazing girls next year. As the semester neared an end, I knew my "friend" was toxic and wasn't good for my mental health, it just became a countdown until the end of the semester and I wouldn't have to deal with it ever again. It was extremely hard to deal with as she kept giving me more reasons to not trust her and be upset at her, but I had to let it slide and remind myself that I would never have to go through this again. So now that I'm free from the shackles my "friend" had on me, my life and my mind, here's some things I learned from being in a toxic, one-sided friendship for 2 years, so that you don't have to go through the same thing or at least get out of it before it gets as bad as mine was. 

1. Actions Speak Louder Than Words 

I know it sounds incredibly cliche, but it’s extremely true. People can say they care about you or that they’ll be there for you a million times, but if you’ve fallen a million times and they’re never there, that’s a huge red flag. My “friend” constantly would say things like “I’m just looking out for you”, “I’m telling you this cause you’re my friend”, “I love you girl!” but honestly, I can’t believe any of those words are true. Anytime I was upset or distressed, she would just say things like “think positive”, “it could be worse”, “you’ll get over it, I know it sucks now but you’ll be fine”. I was dropped from every sorority on my campus and when I got the news I was beyond devastated. My roommate wasn’t in the apartment so I was crying by myself. I called her crying and told her what had happened. She just said “sorry girl I just woke up. I think it was for the best anyway. Me and my friend are going to Starbucks so I’ll see you later”. She didn’t even invite me to go with them. Meanwhile another one of my friends who I was getting close with at the time dropped everything she was doing to spend the day with me. That right there, is someone who truly cares.

2. Your Feelings Are Valid...Always

Once again, I know this is cliche, but it’s very true. You’re allowed to express how you’re feeling to others. You’re allowed to be upset or hurt by what someone did or said. People don’t get to decide that they didn’t hurt/upset you. It doesn’t take a lot to step back and realize they hurt you. My friend would always do or say things that upset me, or she would defend her friend/bf if they hurt me. And everytime I confronted her about it, she would laugh in my face and say I need to get over it or handle things better or to stop being so dramatic.  She would constantly invalidate my feelings. Which led me to believe that she only liked me or wanted to be around me when I was smiling and willing to do whatever she said. The second I got a thought of my own and tried to talk to her about how I was feeling, suddenly I was the most dramatic person in the world. This lead to me constantly keeping my mouth shut and just letting things slide, no matter how much something hurt me. It should never have got to this point but I just didn’t want things to be awkward in our last few weeks living together. If you avoid confronting someone because you’re afraid of how they’ve reacted in the past, that’s not ok. You should never dread confronting someone about something that hurt you. And in the end, I always ended up apologizing? Why? For overreacting. For being too dramatic. Looking back now, I shouldn’t have apologized cause I had nothing to apologize for. I was hurting because of her, and I apologized for having human feelings besides happiness. 

3. You Can’t Change a Narcissist 

One thing I know for sure. My “friend” is a narcissist. She wants to whole world to accommodate her needs, everything has to go her way, and if you do, say or feel something that she doesn’t like, she throws a temper tantrum. Like a child. Even though according to her she’s the “furthest thing from childish”. In reality, she has a LOT of growing up to do. Like I mentioned before, she couldn’t take accountability for her words or actions and I was the one who apologized in the end. That’s exactly what a narcissist does. They constantly argue with you and say you’re being over dramatic to avoid the idea that they hurt you. Because in they’re mind, they’re perfect. They can’t do anything wrong, the world revolves around them. So they manipulate you into thinking you’re the problem in order to have more control over you. This is also known as gaslighting. I know nowadays that word is kinda thrown around, but it’s very real. And when it happens you begin to question your own feelings and experiences. Was I really being over dramatic for feeling this way? Maybe I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Even if you have direct proof and evidence of some lie or something they did or said, they will always deny it try to turn it around on you. There have been several instances where she claimed someone said something about me or attacked her because of me, but I would later find out that these claims were not true. You can confront a narcissist a million times but it won’t matter, to them, they’re perfect. And nothing you do or say will ever change that, you’ll only end up hurting yourself. Best thing to do this cut ties with them and move on. Because they’re not worth your energy. 

4. You Are Never Alone

One of the biggest reasons I stayed in this friendship so long was because I felt I had no one else to turn to. We had been friends for so long and I stopped hanging out with all my other friends because she wanted to do something or she didn’t like the people I hung out with. However, once I turned 21, I started going out with people and friends who I hadn’t hung out with that much. But because I was 21 and my friend wasn’t, that really gave me a chance to bond with more people and find friends who actually care about me! All this time I thought “she’s the only friend I have”, but I now realize that was far from the truth. 

5. Trust Your Gut Something 

I wish I would’ve done sooner. Moving in junior year, I was terrified that I would experience the same behavior I had sophomore year. My friend kept saying, no everything’s going to be fine, new year new memories, things have changed since last year! Whelp, she was right about the new year new memories part. Because now I can’t stop thinking about everything she put me through. I’ll be working or getting ready for bed and all of a sudden one of our confrontations will be playing in my head. How I wish I reacted and things I wish I had said. But I can’t change the past. So I’m letting you know so you don’t make the same mistake. 

6. It's Not Your Fault

Let's be real. We all make mistakes. None of us are perfect. Somethings we do or say may be our fault and sometimes we do have to own up to it. But that's called being mature and taking accountability for our own actions. Something that is not our fault is how we feel about something, if we're upset or uncomfortable or frustrated, these are things we can't control. So if someone is not taking your feelings into consideration and making you feel like your emotions are a burden, they are most certainly not your friend. It's not your fault that they can't take accountability for their own words or actions and instead try to blame you. How a narcissist chooses to react is not your fault. You don't deserve to feel like your feelings are worthless because they're not. There's nothing wrong with you. And don't EVER let them tell you that you need to change the way you think or feel. My friend constantly said things to be like "you're suppose to be happy for me", "I think you need to learn how to handle this better", "you're so childish for feeling this way", the list goes on and on. But I knew I had nothing to change and had every right to be feeling the way I did. She just didn't want to accept the fact that she said or did something to hurt me because she's little miss perfect. So what does she do? Spin it around on me. And in the end, I'm the one saying sorry. Don't ever say sorry for your emotions. When something is wrong it's wrong. When you're feeling hurt, you're hurt. They don't get to decide what's right and wrong. They don't get to decide how you feel or how you should act or what you need to work on. And it they give you that "I'm telling you this because I'm your friend" bullshit, no the hell they're not. 

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading and welcome back to my blog! I know it's been a minute! I hope you enjoyed this post and if you're in a toxic friendship, I wish you the best! If you need someone to talk to, feel free to comment or reach out to me on another social media platform!

Once again, I don't wish any harm or bad to my "friend" yes she hurt me and now I have to pick up the pieces, but I just want to let go and move on. So please don't send any hate her way!

I'm considering making a post on how to recover from a toxic friendship and sharing my self healing journey and tips on here, so maybe you guys can come along on that journey with me!

But for now, thank you again for reading and I'm so thankful for all your love and support! <3

Burned Out

 

Hey guys. I kinda forgot this blog existed but honestly I'm really glad I didn't delete it so I can still vent and not feel judged. It's currently 3 am and I'm very tired, which is always when my intrusive thoughts come out to play. So I thought I'd write this post while everything is still fresh in my head.

Honestly, I don't know how I'm feeling. I wanna say I'm thriving but I'm truthfully mentally exhausted. I got a job at my local Walgreens and I'm just so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. My stress and anxiety levels have been going through the roof since I started. And it sucks because I started working almost as soon as I got home from college which means I went from being stressed over school to being stressed over work without anytime to recharge or relax or even see my friends. I've barely seen any of my friends since I've gotten home and I'm sad.

Another thing is my passion, creativity and motivation. I'm honestly so burnt out when it comes to everything. Not just videos but honestly everything in life. I want to create another pony ASMR but I just have no ideas, no motivation and no game plan. I also have ideas for original songs and a few covers from MLP that I never did. Though I've been so busy and burned out I haven't had time. It's why I've been uploading so many comic dubs lately. They're quick, easy and don't require much effort. I know that sounds awful but it's the truth. The story and game plan are already there. I just have to add music, voices and sound effects. And you guys love them which I'm extremely grateful for. But I wish I could put in more effort and give you guys something from the heart like OG songs and ASMRs. But like I said, I'm burned out. 

Even when it comes to school, I still feel like I never got "closure" from sophomore spring semester. So many awful things happened this semester and leaving just felt off. My roommate and I left off on a weird page, I'm still thinking of stuff she did in the past. Don't get me wrong I love her, but I can't help but feel like she's gaslighting me. She's said so many things to me but then contradicted them some time in the future. She always says "you're overreacted" or "you should be happy for me" but when she's in my shoes she expects different. She says one thing, does the opposite and gets mad at me when I get upset. And I hate to say it but she's kind of the only friend I have at college. Everyone else I had in my life was toxic af. 

I just miss the old days when I was so excited to post a video I worked so hard on. I even used to make the cover art and everything and I was so excited to share it with you guys. Now I feel like I need to release a video within a certain time period, plus work, plus my intrusive thoughts, plus everything else. Not to mention, I want to help my new vlog channel blossom. I have so much fun filming and editing those videos and I have so many future video ideas. But I don't wanna just abandon my MLP channel. I love you guys and I love the show. But lately, it's been feeling like it's just another thing on my list. My MLP channel used to be my pride and joy and now I can't exactly say I feel that way anymore. Now I'm not saying I don't appreciate you guys! I love you guys! I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for you. And that's why I feel like I can come out and say this. Because I know you'll understand. I'm currently 20 years old. I've done this channel since I was 11/12. Thats 7/8 years I've been doing this now. I never in a million years would have imagined I would get where I am today. You all have helped me through so much and have honestly watched me grow. And I wish I could give you more content with more effort, but my brain hurts.