Burned Out

 

Hey guys. I kinda forgot this blog existed but honestly I'm really glad I didn't delete it so I can still vent and not feel judged. It's currently 3 am and I'm very tired, which is always when my intrusive thoughts come out to play. So I thought I'd write this post while everything is still fresh in my head.

Honestly, I don't know how I'm feeling. I wanna say I'm thriving but I'm truthfully mentally exhausted. I got a job at my local Walgreens and I'm just so mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. My stress and anxiety levels have been going through the roof since I started. And it sucks because I started working almost as soon as I got home from college which means I went from being stressed over school to being stressed over work without anytime to recharge or relax or even see my friends. I've barely seen any of my friends since I've gotten home and I'm sad.

Another thing is my passion, creativity and motivation. I'm honestly so burnt out when it comes to everything. Not just videos but honestly everything in life. I want to create another pony ASMR but I just have no ideas, no motivation and no game plan. I also have ideas for original songs and a few covers from MLP that I never did. Though I've been so busy and burned out I haven't had time. It's why I've been uploading so many comic dubs lately. They're quick, easy and don't require much effort. I know that sounds awful but it's the truth. The story and game plan are already there. I just have to add music, voices and sound effects. And you guys love them which I'm extremely grateful for. But I wish I could put in more effort and give you guys something from the heart like OG songs and ASMRs. But like I said, I'm burned out. 

Even when it comes to school, I still feel like I never got "closure" from sophomore spring semester. So many awful things happened this semester and leaving just felt off. My roommate and I left off on a weird page, I'm still thinking of stuff she did in the past. Don't get me wrong I love her, but I can't help but feel like she's gaslighting me. She's said so many things to me but then contradicted them some time in the future. She always says "you're overreacted" or "you should be happy for me" but when she's in my shoes she expects different. She says one thing, does the opposite and gets mad at me when I get upset. And I hate to say it but she's kind of the only friend I have at college. Everyone else I had in my life was toxic af. 

I just miss the old days when I was so excited to post a video I worked so hard on. I even used to make the cover art and everything and I was so excited to share it with you guys. Now I feel like I need to release a video within a certain time period, plus work, plus my intrusive thoughts, plus everything else. Not to mention, I want to help my new vlog channel blossom. I have so much fun filming and editing those videos and I have so many future video ideas. But I don't wanna just abandon my MLP channel. I love you guys and I love the show. But lately, it's been feeling like it's just another thing on my list. My MLP channel used to be my pride and joy and now I can't exactly say I feel that way anymore. Now I'm not saying I don't appreciate you guys! I love you guys! I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for you. And that's why I feel like I can come out and say this. Because I know you'll understand. I'm currently 20 years old. I've done this channel since I was 11/12. Thats 7/8 years I've been doing this now. I never in a million years would have imagined I would get where I am today. You all have helped me through so much and have honestly watched me grow. And I wish I could give you more content with more effort, but my brain hurts.