What I Learned from Being in a Toxic Friendship

 

Hey all my little ice pops! It's been a minute since I've written anything on this blog but I felt this was a very important topic to talk about. If you haven't been following me on Twitter, I've been in a toxic situation with my college roommate and my "best friend" for the past two years. But these two years have showed me that she was never my friend. I never wanted to admit it to myself since she was pretty much my only friend at the time, but this past semester I've met amazing people who I know truly care about me and I'm going to be living with 3 new amazing girls next year. As the semester neared an end, I knew my "friend" was toxic and wasn't good for my mental health, it just became a countdown until the end of the semester and I wouldn't have to deal with it ever again. It was extremely hard to deal with as she kept giving me more reasons to not trust her and be upset at her, but I had to let it slide and remind myself that I would never have to go through this again. So now that I'm free from the shackles my "friend" had on me, my life and my mind, here's some things I learned from being in a toxic, one-sided friendship for 2 years, so that you don't have to go through the same thing or at least get out of it before it gets as bad as mine was. 

1. Actions Speak Louder Than Words 

I know it sounds incredibly cliche, but it’s extremely true. People can say they care about you or that they’ll be there for you a million times, but if you’ve fallen a million times and they’re never there, that’s a huge red flag. My “friend” constantly would say things like “I’m just looking out for you”, “I’m telling you this cause you’re my friend”, “I love you girl!” but honestly, I can’t believe any of those words are true. Anytime I was upset or distressed, she would just say things like “think positive”, “it could be worse”, “you’ll get over it, I know it sucks now but you’ll be fine”. I was dropped from every sorority on my campus and when I got the news I was beyond devastated. My roommate wasn’t in the apartment so I was crying by myself. I called her crying and told her what had happened. She just said “sorry girl I just woke up. I think it was for the best anyway. Me and my friend are going to Starbucks so I’ll see you later”. She didn’t even invite me to go with them. Meanwhile another one of my friends who I was getting close with at the time dropped everything she was doing to spend the day with me. That right there, is someone who truly cares.

2. Your Feelings Are Valid...Always

Once again, I know this is cliche, but it’s very true. You’re allowed to express how you’re feeling to others. You’re allowed to be upset or hurt by what someone did or said. People don’t get to decide that they didn’t hurt/upset you. It doesn’t take a lot to step back and realize they hurt you. My friend would always do or say things that upset me, or she would defend her friend/bf if they hurt me. And everytime I confronted her about it, she would laugh in my face and say I need to get over it or handle things better or to stop being so dramatic.  She would constantly invalidate my feelings. Which led me to believe that she only liked me or wanted to be around me when I was smiling and willing to do whatever she said. The second I got a thought of my own and tried to talk to her about how I was feeling, suddenly I was the most dramatic person in the world. This lead to me constantly keeping my mouth shut and just letting things slide, no matter how much something hurt me. It should never have got to this point but I just didn’t want things to be awkward in our last few weeks living together. If you avoid confronting someone because you’re afraid of how they’ve reacted in the past, that’s not ok. You should never dread confronting someone about something that hurt you. And in the end, I always ended up apologizing? Why? For overreacting. For being too dramatic. Looking back now, I shouldn’t have apologized cause I had nothing to apologize for. I was hurting because of her, and I apologized for having human feelings besides happiness. 

3. You Can’t Change a Narcissist 

One thing I know for sure. My “friend” is a narcissist. She wants to whole world to accommodate her needs, everything has to go her way, and if you do, say or feel something that she doesn’t like, she throws a temper tantrum. Like a child. Even though according to her she’s the “furthest thing from childish”. In reality, she has a LOT of growing up to do. Like I mentioned before, she couldn’t take accountability for her words or actions and I was the one who apologized in the end. That’s exactly what a narcissist does. They constantly argue with you and say you’re being over dramatic to avoid the idea that they hurt you. Because in they’re mind, they’re perfect. They can’t do anything wrong, the world revolves around them. So they manipulate you into thinking you’re the problem in order to have more control over you. This is also known as gaslighting. I know nowadays that word is kinda thrown around, but it’s very real. And when it happens you begin to question your own feelings and experiences. Was I really being over dramatic for feeling this way? Maybe I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Even if you have direct proof and evidence of some lie or something they did or said, they will always deny it try to turn it around on you. There have been several instances where she claimed someone said something about me or attacked her because of me, but I would later find out that these claims were not true. You can confront a narcissist a million times but it won’t matter, to them, they’re perfect. And nothing you do or say will ever change that, you’ll only end up hurting yourself. Best thing to do this cut ties with them and move on. Because they’re not worth your energy. 

4. You Are Never Alone

One of the biggest reasons I stayed in this friendship so long was because I felt I had no one else to turn to. We had been friends for so long and I stopped hanging out with all my other friends because she wanted to do something or she didn’t like the people I hung out with. However, once I turned 21, I started going out with people and friends who I hadn’t hung out with that much. But because I was 21 and my friend wasn’t, that really gave me a chance to bond with more people and find friends who actually care about me! All this time I thought “she’s the only friend I have”, but I now realize that was far from the truth. 

5. Trust Your Gut Something 

I wish I would’ve done sooner. Moving in junior year, I was terrified that I would experience the same behavior I had sophomore year. My friend kept saying, no everything’s going to be fine, new year new memories, things have changed since last year! Whelp, she was right about the new year new memories part. Because now I can’t stop thinking about everything she put me through. I’ll be working or getting ready for bed and all of a sudden one of our confrontations will be playing in my head. How I wish I reacted and things I wish I had said. But I can’t change the past. So I’m letting you know so you don’t make the same mistake. 

6. It's Not Your Fault

Let's be real. We all make mistakes. None of us are perfect. Somethings we do or say may be our fault and sometimes we do have to own up to it. But that's called being mature and taking accountability for our own actions. Something that is not our fault is how we feel about something, if we're upset or uncomfortable or frustrated, these are things we can't control. So if someone is not taking your feelings into consideration and making you feel like your emotions are a burden, they are most certainly not your friend. It's not your fault that they can't take accountability for their own words or actions and instead try to blame you. How a narcissist chooses to react is not your fault. You don't deserve to feel like your feelings are worthless because they're not. There's nothing wrong with you. And don't EVER let them tell you that you need to change the way you think or feel. My friend constantly said things to be like "you're suppose to be happy for me", "I think you need to learn how to handle this better", "you're so childish for feeling this way", the list goes on and on. But I knew I had nothing to change and had every right to be feeling the way I did. She just didn't want to accept the fact that she said or did something to hurt me because she's little miss perfect. So what does she do? Spin it around on me. And in the end, I'm the one saying sorry. Don't ever say sorry for your emotions. When something is wrong it's wrong. When you're feeling hurt, you're hurt. They don't get to decide what's right and wrong. They don't get to decide how you feel or how you should act or what you need to work on. And it they give you that "I'm telling you this because I'm your friend" bullshit, no the hell they're not. 

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading and welcome back to my blog! I know it's been a minute! I hope you enjoyed this post and if you're in a toxic friendship, I wish you the best! If you need someone to talk to, feel free to comment or reach out to me on another social media platform!

Once again, I don't wish any harm or bad to my "friend" yes she hurt me and now I have to pick up the pieces, but I just want to let go and move on. So please don't send any hate her way!

I'm considering making a post on how to recover from a toxic friendship and sharing my self healing journey and tips on here, so maybe you guys can come along on that journey with me!

But for now, thank you again for reading and I'm so thankful for all your love and support! <3